How to spot a NASCAR 'pit lizard'
Of all the things I could have done to attract women, I did not realize that driving faster was one of them. The one time I got up to 112 mph on the highway, my college girlfriend yelled at me to slow down in a manner that in no way implied she found me sexy. Sure, it was in a tan Oldsmobile station wagon, and I had a mullet and was wearing a Yes concert T-shirt, but still, I was sticking it to Johnny Law.
But as I learned Sunday at the California Speedway in Fontana, a town that is located 55 miles from the sun, NASCAR drivers do, in fact, have groupies. They are known as "pit lizards." Their existence shocked me because it meant that women go to NASCAR events. And also because, in addition to rabbits and cats -- which I already find confusing enough -- apparently there's something sexy about lizards. Am I the only one who thinks giraffes are smoking hot?
It wasn't hard to find female fans at the Sharp Aquos 500, even in the 100-degree heat. More than 40% of NASCAR fans are women, and they make up a bigger percentage of the sport's TV audience than in pro football or baseball. NASCAR courts women so overtly that it put driver Jamie McMurray on "Passions," Carl Edwards on "Guiding Light" and Casey Mears on "Days of Our Lives." There's a line of NASCAR-themed Harlequin romance novels, with titles such as "Full Throttle."
I talked to Mears, the sport's fourth-hottest driver according to Liz Allison's book, "The Girl's Guide to NASCAR," while he signed autographs in his merchandise trailer. As he nonchalantly signed a photo for a woman who had taken a shot of him entering the gym the day before, Mears told me that the sport has been marketing drivers as if they were Us magazine celebrities. "They cater to the behind-the-scenes now. It's a soap opera: Who's dating who," he said. "Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne and I get a lot of female fans."
In fact, Kasey Kahne (No. 2 on Allison's list) is the subject of a series of Allstate ads in which middle-age women stalk him and spend a lot of time staring at his butt. "You feel like racing is for guys, and when you get out here, it's a lot of girls," he said. "Maybe more girls than guys."
I met Melissa Jaworski at the drivers' introduction ceremony. Despite strict rules that no one could be on the infield who wasn't wearing pants and closed-toe shoes, Jaworski was sporting a Kasey Kahne half-shirt, a Kasey Kahne visor, cutoff denim shorts and had Kasey Kahne's No. 9 painted on toenails peeking out of her high heels. Her friend wore a Carl Edwards tank top, an Edwards visor, cutoff denim shorts but, sadly, just regular toenail polish. Someone clearly didn't really care if Edwards won.
Jaworski, who flew down from San Francisco for the race, met the object of her pedicure the previous evening. "I actually had dinner next to him at Hooters yesterday," she said. "He was really nice. Really polite." Being able to follow the etiquette procedure at Hooters seems to be setting the bar pretty low, but I kept my opinion to myself.
Still, none of these women were really pit lizards. I was pretty sure I had finally spotted two -- all hair and breasts and makeup -- but they quickly informed me that they were TV hosts.
Vicki Johnson, who has shows about racing on Sirius radio and the Speed Network, told me I had missed peak lizard time, which is the Thursday and Friday nights before a race, when drivers take their golf carts and cruise the infield.
And the odds aren't so bad for women. Jeff Gordon's first wife was an ex-"Miss Winston" (NASCAR's former beauty queens); McMurray dated another, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. dated a woman whom fans later recognized from an MTV show about NASCAR in which she said she liked Jeff Gordon. I'm thinking these guys don't always crash accidentally.
Moms even get their daughters gussied up and put them in front of drivers. When Johnson saw that I was horrified by this Lohanesque brand of parenting, she assured me it wasn't that weird. "If you're in Dallas, you grow up and your mom wants you to be a Cowboys cheerleader and marry a football player," she said. "If you're in North Carolina, you grow up and your mom wants you to marry a NASCAR driver." The drivers like these women because they understand their schedule and lifestyle. Even if that lifestyle includes driving around in a golf cart looking for women.
When the race started, I got to watch from eventual winner Jimmie Johnson's pit, where I finally spotted two lizards. One was wearing a trucker hat and jeans so low I could see a tattoo that implied Snoopy was actually more curious than lazy. Like the only other woman in the pit, she was wearing stilettos at an event where you have to walk around all day. This, says Karah-Leigh Hancock, who runs the website trackbunnyfilms.com, is the lizard's tell-tale sign. Though I might lean toward the giant fake breasts.
I began to approach them to ask about their lives. But halfway there, I realized that it was impossible to talk to them because it was far too loud. Also, I have absolutely no idea how to approach women like this. Because, in the end, I really do drive too slow.
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